Will someone please explain to Baby J that we sleep in on the weekends? Because he sure won't listen to me. *sigh*

You're Beautiful, It's True

I got my hair cut. I may have mentioned that in a previous post, but we're going to discuss it further. I hadn't cut my hair in probably at least six months. It was looking pretty bad. Well, most people probably wouldn't have thought it looked all that bad but it looked bad to me. Dry, and split end-y and blah. While I was pregnant I kind of let myself go. Not in the weight department, because we've already established that all I gained during the pregnancy was baby, but just in the general beautification department.

I didn't feel well, and most of the time the thought of putting in any extra effort besides making sure I was bathed and my teeth were brushed was more than I could muster. Make-up and curling irons were things of the past. Toward the end of my pregnancy I started making a little more effort because I didn't feel so bad. I came to realize that even if I didn't feel ok, if I looked ok it made me feel a little better.

Letting myself go was completely against my nature. I never used to be able to leave the house unless my hair and makeup were done and I had on decent clothes. No running to the grocery store in sweats for this gal. And it was never about having a bad self-image. I could like myself regardless of what I looked like and I knew my friends and family would still love me too. But I realized there's a greater confidence and happiness that does come when you look good and feel like you look good.

I realized this when I got my hair cut. Even after the baby came and I started doing my hair and makeup again and could fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes I still didn't feel like the hot mama that everybody was telling me I was. But I feel it now. I bought some new clothes, I got a new hairstyle that looks 1000 times better than it did before and really, it wasn't all that bad. But I feel more like myself now. I feel fresh and confident and blissfully happy once again.

What If

Do you ever wonder how your life would be if one decision in your life had been different?

I like the movie "Sliding Doors" because it shows two scenarios of this woman's life - whether she catches the train or not - and how because of this one act each scenario is completely different from the other. Now, I don't know whether my life would be that much different whether I missed a train home from work (not that we have trains here, but you know what I mean) but I do imagine my life would be different if some of my choices had been different.

What if I hadn't gone to the birthday party where Aphrodite and I became best friends?
What if I'd married who I thought I would when I was 18?
What if I hadn't gone on my grand adventure back east?
What if I'd gone to a different college than the one where I met my husband?

I was thinking about some of these things, as well as others, and realizing how my life has been guided without me really realizing it. I mean, I know in some instances I have recognized a guiding hand, but what about all the choices we make without realizing what kind of effect they will have? Some decisions were hard and I had wanted other things but looking back I know that my life really couldn't be any better and I really didn't have anything to do with it.

I don't know if this is making any sense - it did in my head but it's not coming out quite as clear. I just know that a lot of the decisions I've made in my life didn't necessarily seem like decisions at the time. I was just going along doing what worked for me. I didn't generally consult any divine being - if it felt right I did it. And even though I didn't always look for signs from heaven, or whatever, that doesn't mean my path wasn't prepared for me. And maybe my life would be just as great even if it was totally different. Maybe somehow I'd still have ended up being friends with Aphrodite or meeting Hubby somewhere else. Or maybe not. Because I'd be a different person because of the people I knew and the experiences I had. And I'm sure that would have been fine too. Or maybe not. All I know is a lot of the decisions I've made in my life weren't really made by me. Someone has a plan for me and although some of my decisions don't have eternal consequences - like should I have orange juice or milk with my breakfast - some of them do. And so far, I'm ok with those consequences.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

Well, I'm back at work. It's a little weird. I got here and I had to really think about what I was supposed to do and how to do it. But as soon as I started working on stuff it all came back. I wasn't sure how things would go this morning. Hubby and I both have to leave around the same time and my mom came up to get Baby J since she'll be watching him while I'm at work. Maybe we should have done a trial run of getting up and getting ready but things went pretty well. Fortunately, Baby J slept the whole time we were getting ready but I'm sure that won't always be the case. I had to wake him up when my mom got there - he hadn't been fed or changed or dressed. I guess she gets to do that today.

It hasn't been as hard to leave him today as I thought it would be. Maybe because he's with my mom and not some scary day care. Maybe because I've been so busy catching up I haven't had time to miss him much. Maybe because it's nice to have adult conversations and something to do besides change 4,298 diapers a day.

And everybody here has been so excited to have me back. Apparently things were pretty crazy while I was gone so now they can get back to normal. Everybody's been telling me how great I look too. Not like I just had a baby. One of the guys asked me if I went on a special diet or something and I said, "yeah, it's called having morning sickness for nine months!" I really don't recommend it though. And I cut my hair. You know, because that's what you do when you have a baby. Just kidding, I've just always liked having short hair. Even though I have to actually style it now it still seems easier to me than having longer hair (not that my hair has ever really been long). So, so far it's kind of nice to be back at work but I'm still glad I only work part-time and will be back to spending the day with Baby J tomorrow.