A Special Valentine's Day Edition

Before I was married I never could figure out how people could be insecure about their marriages. I mean, the commitment has been made. You said your “I Do’s” in front of hundreds of people and if you had no intention of keeping those promises they shouldn’t have been made so how can you be insecure? It’s a sure thing. Ok, so it’s not always a sure thing but I knew when I got married it would be a sure thing or I wasn’t getting married. I wasn’t going to be insecure like all those other silly people. The thing I came to realize is that no matter how confident you are in yourself, it’s really hard to put all your trust in another person. It’s really hard not to be insecure even when there’s no cause for it because this thing, marriage, is really important. I knew there would be disagreements sometimes but you don’t realize how scary they can get and how mean you can be to each other – this person that you’re supposed to love and cherish forever – which can definitely lead to insecurities about your relationship and if it really can last.

And another thing I’ve come to realize is that stubbornness and pride (two things I’m really good at) have no business in a marriage. In fact, I’m pretty sure they are really the leading causes for divorce. Because after those fights, which are generally about the most ridiculous things but for some reason become a matter of life and death, someone has to swallow their pride and be the first to apologize. And you may think you’re right and shouldn’t have to apologize. But so what? What does it really matter if you’re right and the other person is wrong? What do you really gain?

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago and Christina and Burke had had a huge fight and neither one would speak to the other for several episodes because they were waiting for the other to be the first to speak and apologize. Each thought they were right and the other person was wrong. They are two of the most competitive and stubborn characters I have ever seen. But I loved what Christina said to break the silence. She said, “I was right. I swear, I really believe what I did was right. I -- I don't want you to forgive me. Frankly, I'd find it patronizing if you did because while I know I was right, you think I'm wrong, which doesn't matter because I'm in this. I'm in this for the long haul, and I'm in this to finish the race. So if that means I don't win this one, then fine, I don't win. You win. I'm talking. See? I'm talking first. You win.”

Sometimes there may be one person who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes maybe nobody is wrong, you just have different ways of doing things, or solving problems. But marriage should be for the long haul. Not just until one or both people want out. And the only way I’ve found to ensure this is to swallow your pride and insecurities and just apologize. Someone has to be the first, why not let it be you. Even if it has to be you every time.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this. Maybe it will help someone who is struggling with their own insecurities and pride. I hope so.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!