The Beginning of the End

This may be my last post.

It's been nearly two months since I last wrote and I can't really say that my fingers have been itching to write anything here. I'm not quite sure what that means. Do I not have anything worthwhile to say? Am I just not articulate enough to form my thoughts into coherent sentences? I know I've become too busy at home to write and too restricted at work to keep this up. But even if I had the time do I have the desire?

Parts of my life have become completely unsatisfying to me. Mostly my work. I know the most important parts of my life are to be a wife and mother and I feel like I"m doing a pretty good job there. But for now, I also need to maintain employment and I'm just not satisfied with my current situation. I don't have much work to do and I feel underpaid for as much as I'm appreciated. I want to advance, I want to progress, but I'm feeling very stagnant. I want to further my education at some point too. Maybe not until Hubby's done with his, but someday. Again with the progression. I feel like I was moving forward and doing well but lately I think I've hit a wall and don't know quite what I want to do with the part of my life that is not consumed with being a wife and mother. There's got to be more. I just don't know what it is. I find myself humming Beauty and the Beast. A lot. "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell... I want so much more than this provincial life." How's that for mid-life crisis (which is actually more of a quarter-life crisis but you get the point)? I seem to be having a hard time articulating what I want to say. Job - not happy. must find something more appropriate for me at this time. I guess that's it.

I'll continue Baby J's page even if I don't keep this one going. Feel free to stop in and leave a comment there. I love you all - I'll try to visit your blogs when I can.

A Special Valentine's Day Edition

Before I was married I never could figure out how people could be insecure about their marriages. I mean, the commitment has been made. You said your “I Do’s” in front of hundreds of people and if you had no intention of keeping those promises they shouldn’t have been made so how can you be insecure? It’s a sure thing. Ok, so it’s not always a sure thing but I knew when I got married it would be a sure thing or I wasn’t getting married. I wasn’t going to be insecure like all those other silly people. The thing I came to realize is that no matter how confident you are in yourself, it’s really hard to put all your trust in another person. It’s really hard not to be insecure even when there’s no cause for it because this thing, marriage, is really important. I knew there would be disagreements sometimes but you don’t realize how scary they can get and how mean you can be to each other – this person that you’re supposed to love and cherish forever – which can definitely lead to insecurities about your relationship and if it really can last.

And another thing I’ve come to realize is that stubbornness and pride (two things I’m really good at) have no business in a marriage. In fact, I’m pretty sure they are really the leading causes for divorce. Because after those fights, which are generally about the most ridiculous things but for some reason become a matter of life and death, someone has to swallow their pride and be the first to apologize. And you may think you’re right and shouldn’t have to apologize. But so what? What does it really matter if you’re right and the other person is wrong? What do you really gain?

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago and Christina and Burke had had a huge fight and neither one would speak to the other for several episodes because they were waiting for the other to be the first to speak and apologize. Each thought they were right and the other person was wrong. They are two of the most competitive and stubborn characters I have ever seen. But I loved what Christina said to break the silence. She said, “I was right. I swear, I really believe what I did was right. I -- I don't want you to forgive me. Frankly, I'd find it patronizing if you did because while I know I was right, you think I'm wrong, which doesn't matter because I'm in this. I'm in this for the long haul, and I'm in this to finish the race. So if that means I don't win this one, then fine, I don't win. You win. I'm talking. See? I'm talking first. You win.”

Sometimes there may be one person who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes maybe nobody is wrong, you just have different ways of doing things, or solving problems. But marriage should be for the long haul. Not just until one or both people want out. And the only way I’ve found to ensure this is to swallow your pride and insecurities and just apologize. Someone has to be the first, why not let it be you. Even if it has to be you every time.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this. Maybe it will help someone who is struggling with their own insecurities and pride. I hope so.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

It's Been Awhile

I no longer have access to Blogger at work. Since that is when I typed most of my posts and read everybody else's latest entries, it's been difficult to find time to update and be updated. You may have noticed I've been AWOL for nearly a month. Or maybe you haven't. A lot has been going on this past month. Baby J is getting his first two teeth and that hasn't been the most fun experience. He's doing a lot better than most other babies I've seen teething but he's been running a fever and gets cranky more than usual (which really isn't very much).

I cut my hair last week. It's really REALLY short. Shorter than I was expecting to go. But she just kept chopping away. It took me a few days to get used to - which really isn't me. I can usually figure out how to wear just about any style right away. I'm liking it more now. And it really is a lot easier to do than my last hairstyle.

Speaking of cutting, I tried to cut my finger off this week. Well, not really. I was chopping onions with a Cutco knife and for any of you who know Cutco knives, they are extremely sharp. The onion slipped from under the knife and the knife slipped into my finger and sliced my fingernail in half horizontally. It was bleeding profusely and I had to work through my hysterics at all the blood gushing from my finger and remember what to do for a situation like that. I got the bleeding stopped but it definitely isn't pretty. I'm pretty sure I don't need stitches but I'm pretty sure my finger is going to hurt until the nail grows out past where it was cut. At least it made a clean cut!

We got our tax return. Thankfully we got a return instead of having to pay like we did last year. So, we paid off most of our debt and decided to get in more debt by buying a washer and dryer! It's not the nicest set but it's brand new and it's all mine:) It should be delivered on Tuesday and I'm so excited not to have to haul laundry and the baby to my mom's house anymore, although it was nice to have other adults around to talk to. I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully I can figure out how to get on here more often and see how y'all are doing too!

Just to See You Again

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Wondering how you are doing, what you're up to. I should know by now that my thoughts are, more often than not, premonitions of things to come. So it shouldn't have surprised me when I saw your brother in our new congregation.

I haven't seen you in far too long - over two years ago at my wedding. That's not like us. We're used to being in each others' lives even when we live in different countries. You were my best friend, besides Aphrodite. You were my back-up date and I was yours. You always seemed to know when I was missing you and needed to hear from you. You would invite me to a concert, or I would sneak down to see you in the middle of a work-week. I sent you packages when you lived in Brazil and even with their unreliable mail system we still stayed in touch.

Then it was my turn to leave. You tried to talk me into staying. I thought maybe you thought I would mess up. You just wanted to further our relationship. And there was a time I had wanted that to. We never seemed to want it at the same time. They all tried to talk me into kissing you. You even egged me on but I knew our friendship was more important than anything that could come of me kissing you.

And it was for the best. You were engaged when I returned. We're both married to different people and that's how it should be. I don't regret that. I just regret that we haven't stayed in touch since then. I have a baby now. You don't know that. Maybe you have one too, I don't know. But I miss you. Maybe it's fate that I saw your brother. Maybe this means we really are supposed to be a part of each others' lives for the rest of our lives. I guess we'll see...

Beginning Anew

Well, we survived moving and cleaning our previous living space. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We enjoyed our stay with family. It was sort of like a vacation because we really didn't have to worry about much of anything - besides the days we had to work but even that wasn't too bad. They took care of pretty much everything for us and we quite enjoyed it. As payment I made dinner most nights and it was probably the best they had eaten for a long time. I'm that good:)

We're mostly moved into our new place thanks to my side of the family and Aphrodite and her husband. Now we just have to go through all the boxes. But I don't hate unpacking nearly as much as I hate packing. There seems to be more storage space than we previously thought which is a very good thing. And we just can't get over how big our new place is. It's wonderful! This year is definitely getting off to a good start.

And a Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had happy holidays. Ours were good, but very, very busy. Hubby and I both had relatives in town and everyone wanted to see the baby so there was a lot of gas wasted as we commuted from one end of the valley to the other, multiple times, in one day, for several days. Fun times were had by all. But seriously, our Christmas was nice. The baby made out like a bandit which was fine with us because that meant we didn't have to buy him anything! It's a good thing he's too young to know he's spoiled.

As soon as Christmas was over we got to the packing and moving part of our holiday. Because Chrsitmas just isn't Christmas for us unless it involves moving all our earthly possessions. This year is doubley nice because we get to do it twice! As I'm typing this all of our stuff is in the basement of my parents' house and we're staying with my sister-in-law until we can move into our new apartment at the end of the week. It hasn't been too bad though. For all the stuff we own it didn't take too long to move everything out of our old place. The worst part was cleaning the old apartment before returning the keys. Sick! I can't believe we lived in that filth! Ok, it wasn't quite that bad. But pretty close. And staying with Chuchel's family has been quite fun. It's nice for all of us to have extra adults around to watch small children while we just run to the store for eggs. You have no idea how inconvenient that small errand is once you have a baby. We'll be sad to move out because it's been a lot of fun, but also excited to have our privacy back.

We rang in the new year while nursing colds. Because seriously, what Christmas/New Year holiday is complete for me without a cold? I can't think of a single one. At least we finally had time to relax, which was nice. I've never been much for setting goals - new year or no - but this year I've decided I need to set some. I look back at 2006 and realize I haven't really progressed very much. Yeah, I have a new baby, and I've handled that a lot better than I ever imagined I would, but that's about it. I'm not growing emotionally or spiritually like I want to and while I'm growing physically I'd rather not so I'm going to be working on that too. I admire a lot of the goals Holly has shared on her blog so if she doesn't mind I may be borrowing a few of those. It's funny how generally we all have the same kind of goals for ourselves, no matter where we are in life.

Two Years

This weekend Hubby and I celebrated our second anniversary.

Love your guts, honey.